I started a new week
today. I am still struggling to find my focus and hold onto it. I want to blame
the weather, my health, and the world in general for my problems with finding
my focus. The truth is that I am still the root of the problem. I simply don't
want to put the effort into my life that I must have if I am to get beyond
this. I know what I need to do. I just don't want to do it. I want something
easy instead. What I need to do is simple, but it isn't easy. I think I gain
ground and then I slip back. It is hard to stay focused and keep moving forward
when you feel like you are constantly losing ground.
I know in my heart
that until I fully yield to the Lord in all aspects of my life I can't gain any
ground. I have struggled all of my life with that issue. It isn't that I don't
believe, I just don't have that absolute kind of faith that I should have. It
is easy to say you believe, but it is very hard to actually find the faith. It
shouldn't be that hard. I know in my heart that there is an unlimited supply
available for me to use, but I am afraid of using it. As I am writing this I
know that I must let go of that fear. I must face my fears of this world and
conquer them; to do that I must overcome my own doubts. I must truly have faith
that I can do what I need to do and faith that I will know what I need to do.
I am very grateful
that the Lord is so kind and loving. I am truly amazed that He will work so long
and so hard to help me when I am too lazy and frightened to do even the
smallest of things. I am given opportunities to serve Him every day. I am shown
how good that service makes me feel and yet I still resist, because of my fear
of failing. I fail, because I fear failing. There was a time when I didn't have
that issue as bad, or maybe I just wouldn't face it. Now I know what my problem
is, I just don't want to deal with it. I can deal with my fears, but not alone.
I must have the Lord to help me and that is the problem.
I know I need to
pray more and open my heart more, but that is very hard for me to do. Prayer is
the most important thing in our life and it is the weakest part of mine. I make
lots of excuses for that weakness, but there is no excuse for it. The Lord
loves me in spite of my weakness and fear. The Lord wants me to kneel before
Him in sincere prayer, but I fear that. I fear it for many reasons. It is hard
to pray when you are afraid. Monday was a long day for me. I struggled against
doing what I needed to do all day. I am writing this a day late, as I usually
do. I plan to make a stronger effort to do what I need to do today instead of
fighting against it.
I am going to try
and open my heart up and pray to the Lord. There are many people who need my
prayers, including me. I often feel guilty about praying for myself, but I need
the Lord's help and the only way I can receive that help is to ask Him for it.
Today I will ask. I don't think this will be a productive day as far as the
world sees it, but I am hopeful that it will be a great day for my spirit. The
Lord has opened my ears this morning and I have shared what I have heard. Now I
just have to find that seed of faith He has given me and pray for rain to make
it grow again. It has been a long dry spell for my spirit and it is time for me
to pray for rain. I want to spend today walking in faith while the Lord
rains down His spirit upon me. I want to be washed clean again and begin
growing my faith again. Please Lord wash me clean and help me grow. In your
Holy name I pray.
No comments:
Post a Comment