Chapter Eight - part two

    James arrived at his furnished four bedroom apartment to find another surprise waiting for him. He opened the door to the smell of fresh baked bread. Before he could even think of what that meant two bundles of energy came charging out of the kitchen and into his arms. He barely managed to keep the kids from knocking him off his feet! When he finally managed to stop squeezing them he looked up to see Sarah standing there in an apron. She was laughing, but there were almost as many tears in her eyes as there were in his. James walked across the room with the kids still wrapped in his arms and somehow managed to wrap her in with them. He held them all like that as they laughed and cried together until Sarah forced her way free to go check the roast she was cooking. James followed her into the kitchen as the kids walked beside him talking a mile a minute about everything. The sight and sound of his family there with him made it hard for James to even think, but he did try to listen. It had been so long since he had heard a child laugh or seen tears of joy rather than tears from pain and suffering.

     James didn't even try to ask why they were there or how they had gotten here. That didn't matter to him at the moment. All that mattered was that his family was there in his home with him. Even that simple thought brought fresh tears to his eyes. This had just been a very nice furnished apartment, a place to keep his things, until now! But now it had instantly been turned into his home; simply because his family was there with him. They talked, laughed, and cried together long into the night as they shared the first home cooked meal James had eaten since leaving them behind in Texas. He listened to all their news and was stunned to find out they had just come from Virginia. They had spent two weeks there on the farm with his folks! Sarah had just smiled and shrugged when the kids let that slip. The look she gave James told him that she would explain it all latter. It was nearly midnight by the time things began to wind down and in spite of all their excitement the kids were getting sleepy. James helped Sarah tuck them in bed and tried to read them a bedtime story; they were both asleep before he finished the second page.  

   He and Sarah had quietly slipped out of the room, not completely closing the door behind them. James walked with Sarah beside him to their room. Once inside they closed that door. This was the first time they had been alone for over eight months. James had wrapped her in his arms and just held her for a long time. Finally he had let go enough to step over and take a seat in the large chair he keep by a desk in the corner of the bedroom. It was a huge cushy office chair that James often ended up working on plans in rather than sleeping when he did spend any time here. This time he just sat down and gently pulled Sarah down onto his lap. James was going to get some answers to his questions now. Why had she gone to his folk's farm without telling him? How long had she been planning all of this? And perhaps the most important question of all. Why had she just suddenly showed up here unannounced? James said nothing as they sat there for a moment. He was just enjoying being alone with his wife as he waited for her to say something first.

    Sarah sat there smiling as she watched James watching her. She could see the questions in his eyes and she knew she would have to answer them, but that could wait a few moments more. She just wanted to sit and look at this man she loved. It had been so long since she had seen him in person. Even when they managed to chat on video she had noticed changes in him, but now she could easily see them. He was a lot thinner, but that would probably not last if someone was there to make sure he ate regular meals. He also looked tired and worn down too. She wasn't sure she had ever seen him look like this before. He had to rest more or he was soon going to wear himself completely out. She wondered if he would listen to her. Would he slow down? Could he slow down? He had already done so much, but she knew there was still far more left to be done. Finally she began to talk as she tried to answer his questions and find answers for her own questions as well.

   "James, I want you to know that I didn't decide this on my own. As much as I love you and want to be with you, as much as the kids miss you; I still know that we are a distraction to you when you need to be totally focused on your mission. But you can't go on like this forever. You have to know that?" James smiled and nodded as he replied to her first real question of him. "Yes, I know that, but for the moment I have to go on. I can't stop, not now, not and risk losing all we have gained. Maybe soon I can rest, but not right now. You must see that yourself?" Sarah tried not to let the tears fill her eyes again. She leaned in close to him and spoke almost in a whisper. "I see a lot of things. I do understand how important it is for you to be doing what you are doing. I get it! But that doesn't make it any better for me or easier for you."

    Sarah took a deep breath and sat up. She had come here on a mission of her own.  She hadn't been certain she was doing it for the right reasons before, but now she was certain of it. A lot of people had helped her make the decision to come here and face him. As she sat there looking into his eyes she knew they had all been right in their own way, even though they had all had different reasons for wanting her to come.  James needed her and he needed the kids. He needed to see them, to hear them, to hold them, and most important of all he needed to be distracted by his love for them. She had agreed to come because she had been concerned about how worn down he looked. Now she could see that while he was near exhaustion physically that wasn't the greatest danger for him. She saw now that his mind and heart were under a burden they couldn't continue to carry indefinitely. He had to have some help and only his family could give him the kind of help he had to have.

   Smiling she began to talk to him. "Please don't say anything. Just listen to me while I talk. James I love you more than anyone I have ever known. I know that you have that same kind of love for me. I know that we share that love for our children too. I know that you are doing your best for me, the kids, and the country. I really do know that! I can also see that as hard as you try and as much as you want to make things right again... you can't." James began to frown as she said that, but he would wait and hear her out before he spoke. Shaking her head she hesitated before she said more. "You were ready when this all started and you were able to do what had to be done at that moment. You went out and did what had to be done. You did it better than anyone thought it could be done. I saw you being the man you have always been, the Ironman who keeps going until the race is done." Sarah hesitated again before she went on again. "The thing is that you knew what had to be done and where you had to go then, but now..."

   She let out a long breath and then spoke in a firmer tone of voice. "Now I am certain that you are losing sight of the reason you are doing these things. You are still working just as hard, maybe harder than ever, but you no longer feel certain of where you need to go." James started to object, but she shook her head and continued on quickly. "Oh I don't mean in your daily operations. You are doing exactly what you need to do in those, but there has to be something more for you than just that. James my Uncle Bill told me that he was worried about you. He said all of the burdens of responsibility for so many service men and women would eventually wear you down. He wanted me to try to get you to take a break and just let somebody else carry the load for a few days. Dad said much the same thing, but he said you just needed me and the kids to distract you. I thought about what they said for a while and finally decided that they might be right. It still didn't feel right though. I didn't want to be just a distraction to you. I wanted to be and do more than that. I needed more than that! Mom told me to go see your dad. She said you were his son and he would know what you needed from me better than anyone... so I went to see you dad."

   Her firm voice had grown softer at the last and her eyes had dropped too when she had spoken of her mom and his dad. She had laid her head against his shoulder as she had spoken those last words about going to see his dad. She was still resting her head against his shoulder now and she was silent. James sat there for a moment considering her words. That explained a lot about why she had come, but there was still more left to be explained. James carefully lifted her face and looked into her eyes, from only inches away, as he spoke softly to her. "So what did my dad say to you? Why are you here and why didn't you let me know you were coming?" Sarah laughed softly as she shook her head. Then she took another deep breath and began again. Her voice was steady and calm now. It had a certainty that James knew meant she was the one in control now.

    "Your dad didn't say much at all, not at first. I asked him what to do, but he wouldn't answer me directly. He told me he would have to think and pray about it and suggested I do the same. He said I needed to give it some time; now that I was trying to decide what I should do. I needed to take the time to make the right decision." She laughed again. "I wasn't any happier with him than I was with you. Your mom wasn't any help either. She just laughed and told me that I would find the right answer, in the good Lord's time not mine." The look on her face told James that his parents had both likely seen Sarah's harder side for a change. She was still smiling as she spoke though. "Finally your dad asked me to walk with him a few days ago. We walked and he talked. When we were done I knew what I had to do and why I had to do it too. So here I am!" She was smiling broadly and there was a gleam in her eyes now. James sat there a moment longer and then he gave her the same look he gave the kids when one of them didn't give him a complete answer to his questions about something they had done.

   Sarah got a bit red and laughed before she gave him her complete answer. Looking right into his eyes she spoke directly to his heart with her voice and words. "You started this because it was your duty. You were bound by honor to do whatever you could do to make things right when you were asked. That still hasn't changed. You do what needs to be done; what has to be done! You do your duty to your nation and to God as best you can. You do that every single day. You do it with honor and with courage. You do it because it is the right thing to do before God and for your country. But even all that isn't enough. If all you do is done just for duty and honor alone it will never be enough! I know that now! I think you have known that all along. I just think you have forgotten it as you have tried to do what you had to do." Now she softened her voice and her smile as she watched him closely. "I think that all you can see now is the desperate need and the tremendous loss of the people you are trying to help. I think you also see so many other people in positions to do so much more. I think you see the people who aren't, and won't, do anything unless they get something out of it. I think that now you are struggling to find a reason for all you have seen and for all that you do. I think that you have lost sight of the real reason for all that you do. The reason for all that you have ever done."

   Sarah had been watching James closely as she spoke these words to him. She had seen the tears begin to fill his eyes and she saw the pain in those beautiful bluish-green eyes too. James had finally closed his eyes and bowed his head before she was finished. Tears were running down his cheeks now. Sarah reached out and with both hands she gently lifted his head so that she could see his face again. She managed a soft smile as she wiped those tears from his cheeks before she spoke again. "James you and I both know that the people need you and the nation needs you. We both know that I need you and the kids need you too. Everyone seems to need you, but you have forgotten someone who is in even more desperate need. You have forgotten yourself and what you need. James you need me! And you need the kids! You have God's love, but God gave us to you to love you and for you to love too. You need us James! You need us just as much as we need you. Right now you probably need us to love you even more than we need you to love us!"

   James looked at his wife as she sat there looking back at him when she had finished speaking. She had dried his tears with her hands. Now he reached up and took her hands in his and gently kissed them before putting her arms around his neck. Then he pulled her close with his own arms. He said nothing for a long time. He simply held her close and soaked up the feeling of having her next to him. Finally he spoke in a whisper. He said only few words, but they brought tears to her eyes. The words were full of meaning and feeling even if they were so few and so simple. James had just said "Thank you, thank you so much, for loving me so much." They had sat there just holding each other for a long time. Finally Sarah had raised her head to look at him again. She smiled as she saw that his eyes were closed and he was clearly sound asleep. He still wore his dress blue pants and his t-shirt. He had stripped the rest of his uniform off earlier in the evening. He looked so peaceful and content sitting there with his arms wrapped around her.