Chapter Seven - part two

   It was a couple of days before James was able to actually talk with Sarah. They were very careful to observe the rules about fraternization among cadets. They were out running together for the first time since General Davis had spoken to James. When James told Sarah about it he was surprised to hear her laugh before speaking to him. "I was wondering if you would ever mention it. Uncle Bill called and told me as soon as he left the office that he had spoken to you. He didn't say much more than that though. What did he say to you? Did he try to order you to stay away from me?" James kept running and after a moment told her what had been said. Sarah had stiffened when he mentioned obeying orders. After he was done she remained silent until the end of the run. Then she did speak. "So you would have obeyed his orders? Orders mean more to you than I do. Is that how you really feel about me?"

    James had known she was upset, but he hadn't expected this. He shook his head and spoke quickly. "No Sarah, that isn't what I meant at all. Sarah, I care about you a lot more than I can put into words. He asked me if I love you. I couldn't answer him, at least not yet. I think I might, but how can I be certain when we have to live under the rules of the Academy concerning our relationship? Sarah, I don't even know for certain how you feel about me. I know you like me. I know we are friends, maybe more than friends. But love? That is something I just don't know yet. Do you? Do you love me?" He saw the shock on her face and immediately added more. "I didn't mean for you to answer that! I just don't know what I feel or what you feel. I want to know, but I don't know yet and that makes this very difficult to deal with. Please understand, I care so much for you, but I don't know if it is love. Sarah? Sarah, have I said something wrong? I... I just don't know with certainty about anything concerning you. All I know for certain is that you and I both want to make a career in the Air Force. Right now I can't and won't do anything that might spoil that for you or for me. It isn't that the Air Force comes first. I just think that for now we have to let it be first."

   Sarah had turned her back on him. James wanted to reach out and take her in his arms. He desperately wanted to hold her and tell her it was going to be alright, but he couldn't. Sarah stood like that for a long time before she turned and looked at him. There were tears in her eyes, but she tried to smile. She stepped closer and spoke very softly. "I do understand. I feel the same way... except I feel something else too. I am afraid of you James." He stared at her in disbelief. She laughed as she tried to go on. "Not like that silly. I am afraid of how you make me feel. James, I have wanted to be an officer all of my life. I have dreamed of it. You know that I want to be a pilot, a fighter pilot, like Uncle Bill was. What scares me is that I have actually wondered about how that would affect us. I worry if it will keep us apart. I think I am falling in love with you. I don't know if I want that, but I don't know if I can stop it either. I don't even know if I want to stop it." Then she shook her head and he saw her stiffen herself and assume command again. "Look, neither of us is willing to give up our future to find out if we love the other, so let's just do what we can do. We can spend some time together without breaking the rules. We can follow orders and still see where this goes. I will be leaving in a little over a year. Who knows, that may be it for us. I say that we enjoy what we have and see where it goes." James just nodded in agreement. He didn't want to tell her that he thought he was falling in love too. Actually he was fairly certain that he was already in love with her... very deeply in love.

    Weeks passed and things had definitely changed since that New Year's Eve party. It had changed not only between them, but also in the squadron. James wasn't sure why, but suddenly he had earned a new kind of respect, even from some of those who had been against him before. They still weren't friends, but they were no longer enemies either. The biggest changes seemed to be in the Academy as a whole though. He suspected it was partly due to him being seen with all the big guns at that party. Maybe it was just because he had been invited to the party. He wasn't sure, but things had changed. He did know that his academic standing and his decision to join the track team had helped too. It wasn't a sudden shift and not everyone had changed, but it was changing things for him in more ways than he would have believed possible. He still faced challenges on a regular basis, but there were occasionally days when he had no problems at all. That was a huge and very welcome change.

    Summer finally rolled around and once more the order of things began to change. He was still a lowly cadet and still very low on the totem pole in many ways, but that was changing rapidly. Sarah was moving up in the command structure. She would be the Squadron Commander as had been rumored. She was jumping several steps to take that spot. James spent part of the first half of the summer back at home. That was both a needed break and a new set of problems to be dealt with. He enjoyed being away from the Hill. It was good to be able to wear what he wanted to wear every day for a change. He really loved being able to go where and when he pleased too. That felt like a new kind of freedom that he hadn't ever experienced before. The only thing that didn't change was his rest. If anything he got less sleep while he was home than he did on the Hill. His biggest problem though was in dealing with Pamela. It wasn't so much of a problem as it was just an adjustment. His first weekend home they were expected to go out and they did. That was a very interesting date. 

    They were going into Richmond, mostly just to be going, with no real plans for what they would do. It was an all day event for them though. They had planned this when James had been home for Christmas, before James had even considered kissing Sarah. Pamela seemed to be more reserved than normal, but James suspected that was due to him. He was uncomfortable being with her now. They had some fun, but it just wasn't the same. They finally did talk about it. James was relieved to find out that he wasn't alone in finding someone else. Pamela had been seeing a young man in one of her classes too. They hadn't started dating yet, but they often were out together with the same group of people from the college. It was like what James was dealing with, except she didn't have to worry about rules about fraternization. Pamela was almost relieved when he suggested they just sort of go their separate ways. They still spent some time together, but it was no longer a dating situation. Now it was with friends and family. They could still remain friends, but not quite as close as they had once been. Just being friends was a lot less complicated and stressful for both of them.

     The one thing he really missed was seeing the newest additions to the family. Both of his sisters had their babies now and he knew that he would miss seeing them grow up. That was the hardest part of coming home for him. Knowing that he wouldn't see the rest of his family as much wasn't so bad. The rest of the family hadn't changed drastically, but he knew that when he saw the little ones again they would be walking. He spent as much time with them as he could while still getting to enjoy time with his old friends. That was something else that was changing for him too. A lot of his old friends were much the same as he remembered from high school. They weren't really changing much at all, but he began to notice just how much he had changed. Actually it was his friends who pointed it out to him. He wasn't the same anymore. James didn't know quite what had changed, but he knew that he wasn't the same kid anymore... in fact he really wasn't a kid at all. James enjoyed the break at home, but as the time passed he was anxious to get back to the Hill too.

    He had a long talk with his mom and dad before he left. They seemed to understand what was going on better than he did. His mom sent her love to the new woman in his life. She had laughed and told him that she knew there was a special woman out there. Maybe she wasn't the one, but she was still someone special according to his mom. His dad had been quieter. He did tell James that he was proud of the man he was becoming, but that they were also worried. They talked about everything this time, even the Ironman run. His mom still hadn't been pleased with that story, but it was over and that was the end of it to her. His dad knew that wasn't completely true though. He had said nothing while they were all together, but later he had spoken about it while alone with James. He had asked for details about things since then from James and pressed until James told him about the visit from the Superintendent, the party on New Year's Eve, and even about the meeting with General Davis. 

    His dad had listened closely and asked the right questions during that discussion. James had been forced to tell him everything, even about kissing Sarah. Only after Joshua had heard all of the details did he speak, other than to ask more questions. James was still thinking about what his father had said when he took his flight back. Joshua had finally given his son some advice and a warning. "Well son that sounds like quite a story, but we both know it has only begun. You and I both know that you will face many more long days and difficult choices. All of the cadets will face those, but I think that maybe you will face something more. I know that you went because you felt that was where the Lord wanted you to be. It sounds to me like you are becoming more certain of that each day. The question is why does the Lord want you there? We are never sent without a purpose son. You need to ask Him what that purpose is. You aren't there to just be there. The Lord wants more from you. I think you know that. I think you knew it when you carried that Muslim girl to the finish line." James still remembered the exact sound of his father's voice when he added the next sentence. "You and I both know that wasn't the finish line you were crossing. It was the starting line. You started a new race, a race you are running right now. Son, you can't run a race if you don't know the course or distance. Is it a sprint that just lasts while you are at the Academy or is it a long distance race that you will run the rest of your life?  How long will you have to run and where are you running to? You need to know and only God can give you the answers. Don't let the world distract you and make you forget about God. He is the one who sent you and the one you must answer to first, before all others. He is your supreme commander. Those men you serve may wear stars on their uniforms, but the God we serve made the stars in heaven and everything under them including you."

    James thought, hoped, and prayed that those words would remain burned into his mind forever. 'Men may wear stars, but God made the stars.' That was a most profound thought and statement. James spent a lot of time thinking and praying about what his father had said. What was his purpose? Why had the Lord sent him to the Academy? James didn't have the answers. His thoughts and prayers didn't seem to help. One thing did become clear in his mind though. There was a reason he was there. God had a purpose for him being where he was. All James knew to do was to continue to run the 'race' he had been given to run. He would do his best to be a good officer, but he would make certain that he also remained a good Christian. That alone wouldn't be easy. James had learned the hard way that it was very easy to say you were a Christian, but it was much harder to actually live as a Christian. It wasn't just the big things, like the Ironman run either. In many ways it was easier to live a Christian life when it was something big. It was the small day to day things that were the hardest to live. James made a new commitment before he returned to the Hill. He would try to keep his focus on God every day, even in the little things he did. If he did the little things right before God, then the big things should go right too. It might not be easy to do, or popular, but it would always be the right way to live.